Language Is Power, Not an Excuse to Dodge the Point
Because dismantling patriarchy won’t happen if we keep getting stuck on semantics
The more the world seems to wake up to its problems, the more I see one very specific divide between people:
People who care about the overall content of a conversation, and people who only care about the linguistic accuracy of it.
Linguistic caution causes a paradox of sorts: it is extremely important to say things accurately, but what degree of accuracy do we really need? How precise are we required to be, before the conversation is completely derailed over the words used to craft it?
In heavy conversations—like about patriarchy—I often find myself landing in a debate with people who are more interested in finding flaws with my word choices than in engaging with what I’m actually saying. Sadly, this is a trademark of patriarchy: never take a stand for anything, always deflect responsibility, and never engage authentically.
So how do we find the balance? How do we speak with care, while not getting so hung up on vocabulary that we forget to listen and ultimately change or grow?
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The Vocabulary Trap
This year, I have been engaged in multiple discourses on the subject of patriarchy with various men. They were fascinating conversations. I was never surprised by resistance, but I was surprised by the ways in which it showed its face.
In the most interesting of these discussions, one friend kept shifting the focus so much that I felt like we weren’t having the same conversation half the time.
He’d make suggestions like, “but what if the ways people want to dismantle patriarchy don’t actually make the world better?” or “is ‘patriarchy’ really the best word to describe this phenomenon?”
That’s missing the forest for the trees a little bit, no? If we both agreed that the gender divide is real and that men shouldn’t be automatically handed the top position, shouldn’t we also agree that patriarchy is the right word? If we both agreed that the gender divide is bad, shouldn’t we both think dismantling patriarchy is more important than endlessly debating how we optimally dismantle it?
But he wouldn’t budge. He kept defaulting to language critiques…
“That sounds too harsh.”
“That’s not 100% accurate.”
Each time, the message got sidelined by the vocabulary. Not because the words were wrong, but because focusing on their imperfections was an easy way to avoid engaging with the meaning behind them.
Sex Is the Most Dangerous Subject
The main reason I wanted to discuss this relates to how we talk about sex and how deeply patriarchy is entangled with it.
You would not believe how many women I know who genuinely enjoy varying degrees of sexual dominance. It’s not because we’re “wired” to submit to men, or because of any of the tired, patriarchal explanations that try to justify it. The truth is simpler: women are also sexual beings and sometimes we also like it rough.
In one of Ali Wong’s stand-up specials (I think it was the 2024 Single Lady Netflix special, but don’t quote me), she talks about what she wants in bed: a man must find his sweet, gentle tenderness at the beginning, but by the end… it should get “a little r*pey.”
I recall laughing, because I largely agreed with her.
But can you imagine a man saying the same thing? “Women want us to start out gentle, but by the end? They want us to get r*pey.”
I don’t think that’d get the same cheers from the crowd that Ali got. That crowd would have to deeply trust that comedian. I’m talking outer space deep.
When women write about wanting a man to know them, to take charge, to grab them, and go for it? Women crawl out of the woodwork to relate. It clearly resonates.
But when a man says the same thing, when he writes that women like to be dominated sexually, or that they enjoy being “taken”? Suddenly the red flags go up. Women start yelling about toxicity, patriarchy, coercion… and, honestly? They’re not wrong.
Because in a world shaped by patriarchy, we are afraid. We’re also tired of being told what we want. We’re tired of being generalized, lumped together, and flattened into someone else’s narrative.
And a lot of women who react strongly to that kind of phrasing? They’ve been through hell. They have earned their skepticism.
But here’s the hard part: the men who hurt women are usually the ones who don’t listen to women.
So if the good men—the thoughtful ones, the ones who are trying—never speak up because they’re afraid of saying it wrong... how do we expect anything to change?
Language Is a Skill Like Everything Else
I was fortunate to be born with a brain distinctly tailored to language and its written usage, but over the years, I discovered that this was an inherent talent that not everybody shares. In fact, it seems like most non-writers don’t really pay much attention to how or why they use language at all.
Language is insanely powerful, but its meaning is always subjective, which makes it actually one of the most complicated tools we can use in this world.
Throughout the history of my relationship, my partner (in his pre-patriarchy-awareness era) constantly told me that he couldn’t take me seriously because I hyperbolize.
I’m a writer, of course I fucking hyperbolize. Language is a magical palette and when I use it? I’m gonna paint you a fucking picture when I do.
But why was it on me to change? Why couldn’t he just accept that, in the way I talk and have always talked, I tend to make things sound more exceptional than they might actually be, for better or for worse?
Well, this was an easy way to dodge accountability. If I couldn’t be taken seriously because I “exaggerate,” then he didn’t have to actually listen to my complaints.
Thing is, patriarchy is known for dismissing women. Female emotion is seen as senseless drama, so if I don’t use my words exactly right to express my very specific feelings with 100% foolproof logic, then no one needs to validate them or respond to them.
This is patriarchal silencing. It’s using linguistics and semantics as a reason to erase us and not do the emotional work to listen, learn, or change. It’s exhausting and women are fed the fuck up with it.
How Language Missteps Negate Worthy Messages
Sometimes, it really is all about our descriptive words.
In a recent Substack article I read (I forget which one but it was from Jeremie Lotemo), a man wrote a long, thoughtful piece about what women need, emotionally and intimately. He even accurately pointed out that many abusers—especially the incels who seem to vehemently hate women and the concept of love itself—were likely deeply hurt by women in love. So far, so good.
But then he said something about how women, “want to be led,” in an otherwise more or less accurate statement about our general needs.
And that? That’s the moment where every other woman who had been nodding along slammed on the brakes, flipped him the figurative bird, and left the article. Even women who enjoy being led don’t want men framing it like they figured us out. It reeks of appropriation at best.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what other words you surround it with. One bad phrase can lose the entire point.
If you are truly anti-patriarchy, the language you use when discussing the opposite sex is so fucking important… You don’t get to rely on patriarchal phrasing if you want to get rid of patriarchy, because even the tiniest whiff of it will raise our torches and pitchforks.
Yes, some women might love to be dominated, but they don’t want to be dominated or led by a man they don’t trust genuinely has their best interests at heart. This is why that article was so divisive… many women related to what the guy was saying, but he lost them when he casually referenced a general desire for submission, which feels like an echo of patriarchy’s control over us.
If he had just talked about how women want men who can both lead and listen, he’d have been golden, but he just had to cross the line into lumping all women together in an area where women have a lot of collective trauma.
Why Language Matters
Language isn’t just words, it’s how, why, and who says them.
Imagine the phrase, “I have a little money on me.”
If you know me and how terminally poor I am, that sentence has a completely different meaning than it would if some millionaire said it. You might imagine I have a few tens in my pocket and can afford a half-decent meal out. A millionaire saying that might have enough money on-hand to casually buy a boat.
Now consider a sentence like, “I never said I robbed her.”
This sentence’s meaning changes every time you shift the emphasis:
“I never said I robbed her” - denying who said it
“I never said I robbed her” - denying it was said
“I never said I robbed her” - denying it was spoken
“I never said I robbed her” - denying responsibility
“I never said I robbed her” - denying what was done
“I never said I robbed her” - denying who was robbed
Do you see how important nuance in language can be?
Now, as I said before, the men who harm women are usually the ones who aren’t listening to us, so when we’re talking about what women want—especially in conversations about patriarchy—we do need men to speak. But they need to be really goddamned careful with what they generalize about us.
Dismantling Patriarchy Takes Work from Men and Women
Women can’t go on man-hating rants and expect men to suddenly treat us with care and nuance. It’s not like I don’t get it… we’re exhausted. We’re hurting. But fighting fire with fire rarely puts out the fire, it just burns more down.
Patriarchy is in all of us. Even women. We play into it too, often without realizing. How often do we let ourselves be flattened into stereotypes, just because we were never shown another option?
We can’t afford to let our words be dismissed as exaggeration, while men need to learn how to listen past the discomfort and hear what we’re really saying.
How to Use Language a Little Better
Okay, so I’ve named a problem, but how do we implement this in a way that stops us from falling for the same old pitfalls over and over?
Let’s start with seeing the actual conversation that we’re having for what it is…
If I tell someone, “I’ve told you to stop reacting and listen to me a thousand times,” the nitpick about how I haven’t actually said it a thousand times is completely missing the point of what I’m saying. It’s outright having a different conversation.
To the guys out there? You’re definitely smart enough to parse the difference here. I know you are. Men are not stupid and I refuse to accept this excuse. I think it’s more realistic to think that patriarchy trained them to be deeply uncomfortable with being wrong, and the existence of patriarchy now is not the fault of any living person. We can blame men for not keeping up with the times and for resisting instead of learning, but we can’t blame men for patriarchy’s existence… patriarchy outdates us all by many hundreds of years. We’ve all been indoctrinated, it’s just some of us benefit from that indoctrination and are less likely to change because of that.
The flipside is that we—especially women—also need to be mindful of using language that invites change. If we radicalize our words and stances into misandry territory, men won’t give up the reins if they are afraid that we’ll flip the tables on them, and that seems to be a common fear in my conversations.
Rage is extremely valid, especially in the face of injustice. We need that anger to fuel the fires of change. But when it’s time to actually make the world a better place? We have to leave room for men to meet us there.
That doesn’t mean giving up on radical change, it just means grounding that change in reality, not reaction.
I Always Return to the Middle Ground
The more I write pieces like this, the more you’ll see how deeply I believe in nuance, compromise, and meeting in the middle. Not in a wishy-washy way, but in a way that requires the real hard work of mutual growth.
Men: stop talking about women like you understand us better than we understand ourselves. Credit the women and sources that taught you anything worth knowing. Leave the ego at the door. We want you with us, but we’re fuckin’ tired of the savior complex. Just because you see patriarchy and pay attention doesn’t mean you’re any more free of it than we are.
So if you care? Speak, but do it with care. Listen more. Credit the women who got you here. And don’t confuse awareness with exemption. Despite all of the best intentions, you might still misrepresent us, and we don’t want to lose you as an ally because you fumbled the phrasing.
Everyone else: we won’t get anywhere without reasonable expectations and teamwork. Use language that’s precise and kind. Say what you mean, without overdramatizing or turning everything into an all-out war.
In the end, it’s not about anyone being perfect. It’s not even about forgiving, if you’re not there yet. What matters is being real, being responsible, and using language to build bridges instead of burn them.
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PS - Some Recommendations for Male Allies
I’d love to recommend a newly discovered account here on Substack from a man who writes and speaks with care and intention:
Mark Black: I’ve only read a couple of his pieces but he’s got a phenomenal voice and is yet to invoke the cringe reaction in me, so I really appreciate his writing so far.
And for the Instagram users out there, one of my favorite anti-patriarchy accounts is @streetlighteyesdontlie (Andrew). He might fumble the precision wording once in a while… most recently, “trans people don’t want to play sports, they want to [list of normal things]”—this got people a little “but there are still trans athletes!”… which is true, but the number of people saying that was infinitely less than the number saying “I feel seen,” so again, let’s not miss the forest for the trees when it comes to saying things “exactly right.” Andrew’s heart and background are legit. His whole thing is bridging the gender divide and giving non-toxic dating advice to other men, so I recommend him wholeheartedly.
If you know more guys like Mark and Andrew? Please, send their feeds my way!
Note from the Author: If you enjoyed this article, perhaps you might enjoy reading life stories set in a fictional world where there is little to no patriarchy. If that sounds interesting, please check out my novella series, The Vitmar Chronicles… a slice-of-life coming-of-age sseries that follow two brothers as they navigate life’s ups and downs… without the patriarchal masculinity requirements.
Read the free sample here — Learn about the series here — Find it on Amazon (EU link, but you can find it in all countries), Google, Kobo, and the Draft2Digital Network! Volume II is coming this summer!
